A new Joke Every Day

Email your jokes and I will publish the best joke every day, acknowledging the sender. Email here. Let's have some fun, brighten up our day.

 

 
 

 

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This one is contributed by Belinda:

Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy.   He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary. 

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step.   As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump.   A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. 

Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding.   He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. 

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed. 

In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room. 

She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"

Flynn said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"

"Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

That is not a joke, but it brought tears to my eyes when I read it. I have no better place on my site but to put it here.

supplied by Bob Nichols

Two Choices

What would you do? You make the choice. Don't look for a punch line, there isn't one. Read it anyway. My question is: Would you have made the same choice? 

At a fundraising dinner for a school that serves learning-disabled children, the father of one of the students delivered a speech that would never be forgotten by all who attended. After extolling the school and its dedicated staff, he offered a question: 'When not interferred with by outside influences, everything nature does is done with perfection. Yet my son, Shay, cannot learn things as other children do. He cannot understand things as other children do. Where is the natural order of things in my son?' 

The audience was stilled by the query.

The father continued. 'I believe that when a child like Shay, physically and mentally handicapped comes into the world, an opportunity to realize true human nature presents itself, and it comes in the way other people treat that child.' 

Then he told the following story:

Shay and his father had walked past a park where some boys Shay knew were playing baseball. Shay asked, 'Do you think they'll let me play?'  Shay's father knew that most of the boys would not want someone like Shay on their team, but the father also understood that if his son were allowed to play, it would give him a much-needed sense of belonging and some confidence to be accepted by others in spite of his handicaps. 

Shay's father approached one of the boys on the field and asked (not expecting much) if Shay could play. The boy looked around for guidance and said, 'We're losing by six runs and the game is in the eighth inning. I guess he can be on our team and we'll try to put him in to bat in the ninth inning.' 

Shay struggled over to the team's bench and, with a broad smile, put on a team shirt. His Father watched with a small tear in his eye and warmth in his heart. The boys saw the father's joy at his son being accepted. In the bottom of the eighth inning, Shay's team scored a few runs but was still behind by three. In the top of the ninth inning, Shay put on a glove and played in the right field. Even though no hits came his way, he was obviously ecstatic just to be in the game and on the field, grinning from ear to ear as his father waved to him from the stands. In the bottom of the ninth inning, Shay's team scored again. Now, with two outs and the bases loaded, the potential winning run was on base and Shay was scheduled to be next at bat. 

At this juncture, do they let Shay bat and give away their chance to win the game? Surprisingly, Shay was given the bat. Everyone knew that a hit was all but impossible because Shay didn't even know how to hold the bat properly, much less connect with the ball. 

However, as Shay stepped up to the plate, the pitcher, recognizing that the other team was putting winning aside for this moment in Shay's life, moved in a few steps to lob the ball in softly so Shay could at least make contact. The first pitch came and Shay swung clumsily and missed. The pitcher again took a few steps forward to toss the ball softly towards Shay. As the pitch came in, Shay swung at the ball and hit a slow ground ball right back to the pitcher. 

The game would now be over. The pitcher picked up the soft grounder and could have easily thrown the ball to the first baseman. Shay would have been out and that would have been the end of the game.

Instead, the pitcher threw the ball right over the first baseman's head, out of reach of all team mates. Everyone from the stands and both teams started yelling, 'Shay, run to first! Run to first!' Never in his life had Shay ever run that far, but he made it to first base. He scampered down the baseline, wide-eyed and startled. 

Everyone yelled, 'Run to second, run to second!' Catching his breath, Shay awkwardly ran towards second, gleaming and struggling to make it to the base. By the time Shay rounded towards second base, the right fielder had the ball ... the smallest guy on their team who now had his first chance to be the hero for his team. He could have thrown the ball to the second-baseman for the tag, but he understood the pitcher's intentions so he, too, intentionally threw the ball high and far over the third-baseman's head. Shay ran toward third base deliriously as the runners ahead of him circled the bases toward home. 

All were screaming, 'Shay, Shay, Shay, all the Way Shay'

Shay reached third base because the opposing shortstop ran to help him by turning him in the direction of third base, and shouted, 'Run to third! Shay, run to third!' 

As Shay rounded third, the boys from both teams, and the spectators, were on their feet screaming, 'Shay, run home! Run home!' Shay ran to home, stepped on the plate, and was cheered as the hero who hit the grand slam and won the game for his team. 

'That day', said the father softly with tears now rolling down his face, 'the boys from both teams helped bring a piece of true love and humanity into this world'.

Shay didn't make it to another summer. He died that winter, having never forgotten being the hero and making his father so happy, and coming home and seeing his Mother tearfully embrace her little hero of the day!

AND NOW A LITTLE FOOTNOTE TO THIS STORY: We all send thousands of jokes through the e-mail without a second thought, but when it comes to sending messages about life choices, people hesitate. The crude, vulgar, and often obscene pass freely through cyberspace, but public discussion about decency is too often suppressed in our schools and workplaces. 

We all have thousands of opportunities every single day to help realize the 'natural order of things.' So many seemingly trivial interactions between two people present us with a choice: Do we pass along a little spark of love and humanity or do we pass up those opportunities and leave the world a little bit colder in the process? 

A wise man once said every society is judged by how it treats it's least fortunate amongst them.

14 feb 08 Jesus and God played golf together. Jesus tees off, a wonderful swing. The ball races 300 m through the air, straight in to the hole. A hole in one, great shot. Jesus smiles and looks at God.

God tees off. The ball races towards the hole, lands just before the hole and a mouse runs up and grabs the ball. Jesus laughs. Immediately a cat comes out of the bushes and grabs the mouse together with the ball. Would you believe an eagle dives down, grabs the cat together with mouse and ball and soars away. A storm brews, lightening frightens the eagle. He drops the cat with mouse and ball and the ball lands direct in the hole. WOW.

Now Jesus looks at God and said: "Come on Daddy, are we playing golf or playing funny buggers?"

11 feb 08 from Belinda An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."
The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... The one that's red and has thorns."
"Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

1 Feb 08...Billy Bob's pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went into a deep coma. After being in the coma for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine and your brother came in and named them."

The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother... he's an idiot!" Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"

"Denise," says the doctor.

The new mother says, "Wow, that's a beautiful name! I guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise." Then she asks, "What's the boy's name?"

"Denephew."

25 Jan 08, submitted by Ross Hutton ...Not actually a joke, but good

On the first day, God created the dog and said:
"Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in
or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
>
The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten
years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
>
So God agreed.
>
On the second day, God created the monkey and said:
"Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give
you a twenty-year life span."
>
The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long
time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"
>
And God agreed.
>
On the third day, God created the cow and said:
>
"You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer
under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family for
this I will give you a life span of sixty Years."
>
The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty
years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
>
And God agreed again.
>
On the fourth day, God created man and said:
>
"Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you
twenty years."
>
But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty,
the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the
dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
>
"Okay," said God
>
"You asked for it."
>
So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy
ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our
family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the
grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and
bark at everyone.
>
Life has now been explained to you.
 

4 Jan 08 submitted by Belinda --

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying, 

"All of you bastards who want off, get the F*** off now, cause we're in a hurry! and all of you bastards who are getting on, get the F*** on, cause we're going down the tracks". 

The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language." 

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one." 

She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." 

As the mother began to smile, the child added.......... 

"For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat bitch in the kitchen."

15 Jan 08 (submitted by Bob Nichols)--- Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department.
One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it - why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"
The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team".
"But today the girl who puts the trees in the holes called in sick."

14 Jan 08 SPEEDING TICKET (submitted by Bob Nichols)
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

11 jan 08 A man comes home from work one day and he says to his wife: "Honey, I got a new secretary. And imagine what happened! She's got a red and white bra. You know, these are the colours of my favourite football team. Anyway, it's not a big deal but it feels good." The next day when they come home his wife asks, "How was your day?" The man says: "Fantastic! It's not only her bra that is red and white but also her panties. You know it's not a big deal but it really feels good!" The third day they meet at home after work and now the man asks his wife, "And what happened today in your office, honey?" She says, "Oh, nothing special, sweetheart. I got a new boss today. His dick is two inches longer than yours. You know it's not a big deal but, hell, it feels good!"

8 Jan 08 As you may know, the Melbourne housing market is becoming as tight as the one in Sydney. My friend Fred, after searching for months, found the perfect place. Family neighbourhood, garden/lawn, etc. The problem was, he has a dog, and the landlord specified "No dogs." Rather than go on searching, he decided not to mention the dog to his landlord (a golden retriever).All went well for months. Except for one thing: the family that lived downstairs had a rabbit that they kept in a cage in the garden area. One day, the father of the family walked into the garden to find the dog scratching at the cage, trying to get at the rabbit. He immediately went to the landlord and complained. The landlord threatened to kick Fred out. But Fred, being quite persuasive- and punctual with rent checks- convinced the landlord to keep him and his dog. On the condition that that Fred keep his dog out of the garden area. Months went by with no incidence. However, his girlfriend stayed home sick at his place one day. She, not knowing the garden rule, let the dog out. Fred came home and, to his dismay, found that the dog wasn't in the house. He opened the back door, and there at the steps was his dog. Dead rabbit in mouth. Needless to say, Fred panicked. Not wanting to face certain eviction, he took matters into his own hands. He bathed the dead rabbit, blow-dried its hair (OK he was desperate) and carefully placed the rabbit back in the cage. Natural causes, right? Nothing happened. After an excruciating week, he finally approached his neighbour one morning on the way to work. "How is everything?" asked Fred. "We're moving" replied the man. "This is a sick neighbourhood." "Why? What happened?" replied Fred. The neighbour replied: "Some sick bastard dug up our recently deceased rabbit, washed it, combed its hair, and put it back in its cage."

4 Jan 08 submitted by Belinda A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."


She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony.

She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere she touches makes her scream.

The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette, are you?"

She says "No, I'm really a blonde".

"I thought so," he says. "You have a broken finger."

3 Jan 08 3 guys, one English man, one Australia and one irish guy have been arrested in an isolated country and condemned to die by the guillotine.

The English guy was the first one to put his head on the block. One, two three, the blade raced towards his neck, and ... 2 cm before it sliced through the blade stopped. WOW, amazement all around.

Try again, cried the henchman. Second time ready, the blade dropped again, same thing. Stopped 2 cm be3for it hit.

Now the henchman was really mad. Change to a heavier blade, he cried. A third try proceeded, same problem. Now the henchman started to think. Wow, he says, God is on your side. You are free to go.

Now to the Australia guy. Same thing, three tries, no success. God must be really on your side, the henchman yelled. Go free and leave the country.

Now to the Irish guy. First try proceeding, the blade stopped short again. What the heck is going on, cried the henchman. The irish man looked up and yelled: Wait, there is a nail sticking out in the runner.

1 Jan 08 Joke contributed by Belinda

An elderly man in Queensland had owned a large property for several years. 

He had a dam in the next paddock, fixed up nice - picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some mango and avocado trees. 
The dam was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built. 

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the dam, as he hadn't been there for a while, to look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the dam, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. 

As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his dam. 

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. 

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" 

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the dam naked". 

Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the crocodile." 

Moral: Old men might walk slow, but they can still think fast.

31 Dec 07 An 80 year old man went for his annual check-up and the Doctor said "Friend, for your age, you're in the best shape I've seen." The old fella replied, "Yep. It comes from clean living. I know for sure that I live a good, clean, spiritual life." The Doctor ask him, "What makes you say that?" The old man replied, "If I didn't live a good, clean life, the Lord wouldn't turn the bathroom lights on for me everytime I get up in the middle of the night." The Doc was concerned, "You mean, when you get up in the night to go to the bathroom, the Lord himself turns the light on for you?" "Yep," the old man said, "whenever I get up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for me." Well, the Doctor didn't say anything else, but when the old man's wife came in for her check-up, he felt he had to let her know what her husband said. "Your husband's in fine physical shape, but I'm worried about his mental condition. He told me that every night when he gets up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for him. " "He What?" She cried. "He said that every night when he gets up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for him." "AHA!!" She exclaimed.......... "So he's the one who's been peeing in the fridge!"

29 Dec 07 "So, have you figured what to buy the Missus for Christmas?" asked Brady.
"I, sure have, she decided it for me," answered Paddy. "She said she wanted something with diamonds in it, so I've bought her a pack of cards."

28 Dec 07 A new Year Resolution

I resolve... I resolve to... I resolve to, uh... I resolve to, uh, get my, er... I resolve to, uh, get my, er, off-line work done, too!
I will stop checking my e-mail at 3:00 in the morning... 4:30 is much more practical.

26 Dec 07 Buy one, get three free

An English man, Irishman and a Scottishman are sitting in a pub full of people. The Englishman says, "The pubs in England are the best. You can buy one drink and get a second one free". Everyone in the pub agreed and gave a big cheer. The Scottishman says,"..yeah. That's quite good but in Scotland you can buy one drink and get another 2 for free." Again, the crowd in the pub gave a big cheer. The Irish man says "Your two pubs are good, but they are not as good as the ones in Ireland. In Ireland you can buy one pint, get another 3 for free and then get taken into the backroom for a shag" The English says "WOW! Did that happen to you?" and the Irishman replies "No, but it happened to my sister."

26 Dec 07 Santa Claus makes his way down the chimney, and is met by a lovely young woman in a robe.

She says "Santa, how about giving me a special present.  I know you'd like to come into my bedroom."

Santa responds "Ho! Ho! Ho!  Gotta go. Gotta go. Gotta deliver all these toys to the children you know."

The lovely young thing peels off her robe, revealing a skimpy negligee.   Santa looks up from his sack of gifts, and she says "I've got something special for you Santa.  Can't you stay for just a little while?  I know you want me.  Let me make this Christmas eve unforgetable."

Santa responds "Ho! Ho! Ho!  Gotta go. Gotta go. Gotta deliver all these toys to the children you know."

Not to be denied, she strips off the negligee, revealing her naughty bits, and they were quite nice naughty bits, I might add.  And she says "Santa, this is your last chance.  This body is your gift."

Santa responds "Hey! Hey! Hey!  Gotta stay. Gotta Stay. Can't get up the chimney with my dick this way!"

25 Dec. 07 here we have a song about a trader who does excactly what we should never do. Does ir ring a bell for all you traders? Listen here